


To Love is to Destroy

by MissAnonymoushp



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Jace needs a hug, M/M, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, supportive boyfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 23:56:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10292816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissAnonymoushp/pseuds/MissAnonymoushp
Summary: Jace isn't sure when he began to doubt them, but he did all the same.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlazersEtc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/gifts).



> Written for @bloodyinspiredmalace on Tumblr based off of her brilliant meta she gave forever ago based on the question, "Which of the three feels like the "outsider" the most?" The answer? Well, I'm sure you can guess.

Jace shoved his soaked hair out of his face for all the good that it did. The downpour overhead continued as he trekked through the dark streets. He could activate a speed rune to get home quicker, but he didn’t bother. The rain was cold – nearly freezing – and it felt good on his overheated skin brought on by the adrenaline of the hunt. The demons had been dispatched with ease, and he hadn’t needed Alec to back him up – which was good, considering he hadn’t even bothered to call him.

He hadn’t wanted to…. bother him. His side stung, and the fresh wound oozed blood and pus down his side and into the top of his jeans before getting washed away by the rain.

He took the stairs leading up to the apartment two at a time and somehow managed to fish his keys out of his pocket despite how the soaked denim clung to him. He sneaked the door open, trying to make as little noise as possible, and slipped inside. His boots slid on the wood floor, and he had to catch himself on the door to keep from falling as he regained his balance. Cautiously, he straightened up, closed the door, and discarded his shoes and socks on the welcome mat.

The apartment was quiet. He drew his stele across the faded hearing rune behind his right ear and listened to see if anyone had awoken due to his clumsy entrance. All he got back was the soft snores of his boyfriends in the master bedroom. Just sleeping, not awake and fooling around, waiting for him to join them. He imagined Alec and Magnus curled around each other in sleep, and the thought alone caused a sharp pang in his chest, rising to the lump forming in his throat. He swallowed thickly, jaw tight, and walked into the living room.

The leather of his jacket peeled from his body like a second skin, and he draped it across the back of the chair as he passed. His damp clothes hugged him uncomfortably close, and he mildly thought that he should probably change soon if he didn’t want to get sick. That would just be his luck – a mundane cold on top of everything else going on. Instead, he sank down onto the sofa, hunched forward as he gazed down at his bare feet. His side barely even hurt anymore. The stinger had barely grazed his side - a stupid mistake, a dodge that had happened too slowly when his mind had wandered for just a second. The _iratze_ had already mended most of the flesh back together, but the thin scratch that stretched across his ribs to his back was still leaking bloody fluid. A dull heated ache sent tingles up to his side. He mourned the loss of another shirt but otherwise ignored it.

That was his motto lately. If he ignored it hard enough, maybe the problem wouldn’t exist.

His eyes looked down the hall toward the master bedroom where fresh, clean, and most importantly _dry_ clothes waited for him, but he made no move to get up. He didn’t want to – really, really, _really_ didn’t want to. Changing his clothes meant going into their bedroom and crossing their floor to get to their dresser. He would have to pass by their bed to get to their bathroom, would have to see them lying there, and be reminded of what he’d known for a while now – he no longer belonged.

It was silly – stupid – of him to believe that they could all be happy together. Exactly what fairytale had been told to him as a child that made him believe that a threesome could live happily ever after? Not any that he could recall.

But they had been… happy. Yes, they had been at one point. In the beginning, everything was just right – like an extended vacation on cloud nine. But like all things in his life – Valentine, Jocelyn, Clary, the Lightwoods – reality eventually caught up to him and turned everything to dust. Happiness was not something meant for him in this lifetime, if any. It wasn’t like he was so naïve to believe that he had to be happy all the time. He’d just hoped… to have that thing in his life that he just…

Loved. Yes, loved unconditionally.

And he _was_ in love with both Alec and Magnus, and being allowed to feel their love had been nothing short of a miracle. When he’d first showed up on Magnus’s doorstep after losing everything, he’d only been asking for the smallest amount of compassion. He’d been supportive of Alec from the second he and Magnus had gotten together, and while living under the same roof as them had been – not awkward, but… _lonely_ at first, he’d been happy for them. And being happy that his parabatai had finally found happiness was enough for Jace, or so he thought.

Magnus and Alec had seen the potential for more.

Without really knowing how it came to happen, he’d been brought into their relationship. Those first few months were unforgettable. Cloud nine and all. But time doesn’t only heal, it also destroys, and Jace had been unable to do anything other than watch as their fragile bonds frayed in front of his eyes. At times like tonight, he would spend most of the night hunting demons or chasing down leads on the missing mortal instruments and come home at ungodly hours as Magnus put it. Mostly as a punishment – for what? Take your pick – he almost never got sent out on missions with Alec anymore, which put them at totally conflicting schedules. As a result, they made a system: the lamp by the door being on meant they were still up and willing. The lamp being off meant they’d already fallen asleep.

He used to look forward to walking in the front door and finding the lamp on, knowing that they waited up for him. Yet as time went by the light was more often off than on.

Deep down, he’d always known it would never last. The doubts had always been there, because, well, everything he touched turned to shit – and he couldn’t forget the old goody: _three’s a crowd_. Alec and Magnus had been happy together. Sure, they’d been new still, figuring things out, but they’d been _happy_ before he invaded their space. They had only had each other to focus on; there’d been no Worst Luck in The World Jace Wayland around for them to worry about constantly – even if it had felt nice to have someone worry over and take care of his always self-reliant and cocky ass.

Now, he just had to decide if he wanted to be the first to leave or stick around long enough for them to abandon him… like everybody else did.

Jace swallowed back the emotions bubbling to the surface and rocked to the side to rest his head on the armrest of the sofa. He listened to the lonely silence of the room and was soon lulled to sleep by the sound of falling rain.

x X x

When Alec woke up, his body felt warm and comfortable but his soul felt stretched and cold. He rolled onto his back, confused, as he stared up at the ceiling. He looked to his left where Magnus was currently wrapped around his body. He lifted his head to look on the other side of Magnus – empty. His head dropped back to the pillow with the realization.

 _Jace_.

He carefully disentangled himself from Magnus, whose only response was to roll over and cocoon himself further into the blanket. Alec smiled softly. A sleeping Magnus sans makeup was an absolutely adorable sight to behold. Of course, in about half an hour he was going to be the semi-awake-leave-me-the-hell-alone-it’s-too-early-and-I-need-more-beauty-sleep version of Magnus, but Alec loved him too. Maybe just a pinch less. Alec hoped his lover didn’t have any early morning clients today, so that he could sleep in for once.

Alec rubbed at the spot just above his hip bone where his parabatai rune burned against his skin. It was just a tiny pinch, telling him something was off. Then again, it had been doing that a lot lately. The Clave did always say that if parabatai consummated their relationship terrible things would happen, but they’d decided that their love was worth the risk. That first night together hadn’t been as magical as they’d hoped, most of it spent with Jace and Alec sweating and in pain as they fought for control over their bond. Magnus had sat between them, weaving his warlock magic through their connection, creating a safety net between them that would catch the excess magic anytime anything went amiss.

After the pain had vanished, it had been like waking up a new person. Alec could hear and feel Jace’s heartbeat alongside his own, he could feel what Jace felt, hear his thoughts; the unrestrained power had been so much that they kept blowing up appliances throughout the apartment simply by touching them until Magnus got the containment spell just right. And when things were finally under control, they could enjoy the perks. Jace and Alec were so in sync that they started to without fail orgasm at the exact same time, and every time, it was a holy experience. Those first few days – Jace had felt like oxygen, and Alec couldn’t get enough. And Magnus too – his magic seeping into their bond gave them an insight into his feelings and desires, not at the same level, but enough to make them spiritually and physically connected.

But then it started to become a problem. Alec and Magnus getting frisky at home while Jace was out on a mission meant that Jace often found himself in a very embarrassing situation. Jace and Magnus spending some alone time together left Alec having to duck into the restroom to relieve himself. And Alec and Jace alone, together, was almost always a strain on Magnus – keeping heightened magic restrained at vast distances was no easy feat.

 _If you two could keep your dicks in your pants long enough for me to make it home, we wouldn’t have this problem,_ he recalled Magnus saying.

_You do know who you’re talking to, right? This is Jace we’re talking about here. Self-restraint has never been a strong suit of his._

_Hey! You’re one to talk._

When Alec thought back on it, he agreed. He’d have given anything and everything to be with his two lovers at all hours of the day, which meant they needed a solution. They decided that while they were apart, they would place dampener runes over their parabatai runes, dulling the bond to mere whispers. But when they were together… they enjoyed the perks they’d unlocked unashamed.

Things however had taken a nosedive a little while afterward. Recently, the dampening rune had been active more than it wasn’t. In fact, Alec couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt the full force of the bond between him and Jace. He hadn’t paid much attention to it at first. Their schedules had been in constant conflict with each other – an obvious ploy by the Clave to try to punish them while keeping their talents in their ranks – but it had gotten to the point where even Magnus was lucky if he caught sight of Jace during his comings and goings. At one point, Alec had stormed into the Institute during his night off to have it out with Jace – only to find out the blonde hadn’t even been on duty that night.

It seemed Jace had been taking refuge everywhere but at home. Alec had admittedly grown edgy and moody with the bond being on the frits for so long without any time to nurture it. Magnus had grown agitated for Jace’s total disregard for his parabatai’s health.

Confrontation was inevitable.

_You better have a good as hell reason as to why you’re avoiding us, Wayland, and for what you’re doing to Alexander._

_I’m not avoiding you! I’ve just been busy._

_You can’t be that busy, because you weren’t on duty the last time Alec went to the institute looking for you._

_You checked up on me!? Now you don’t trust me!?_

_Can you blame us?_

The last thing Alec wanted was to fight with his parabatai, but Jace was pushing them away. He just wanted to know why, wanted to know if he was an idiot for believing that Jace could ever love him like that.

 _Jace, if you want… out… please just say so_.

Jace looked as if he had just been slapped in the face. Magnus had already stormed out of the kitchen.

_No… no, Alec, **no**. That is the last thing I want. The only reason why I wouldn’t have been at the institute is if I was getting some air. I was probably with Simon or Clary, you can ask them, I just needed… a moment to collect myself. Please. I will make this up to you, to both of you. I’m sorry._

Jace never did make it up to them. Something changed after that day, and Alec started to realize that Jace never would. But dampener rune or not, it didn’t stop Alec from having an empathic sixth sense about his parabatai every now and then, and for the last six weeks, his had been telling him something was… off. The bond felt weaker than it had in months. Other than the slight discomfort leading him out of the master bedroom and toward the kitchen, their bond was almost back to pre-lover levels. Which was unsettling to say the least since they _were_ lovers… weren’t they?

Alec paused in the doorway to the kitchen as he spotted familiar boots by the front door. His body turned as he scanned the living room, catching sight of the leather jacket draped over the chair next. He walked over to it and lifted it off the upholstery, frowning when the leather squelched with dampness under his touch. He recalled vaguely that it had started to rain just as he fell asleep last night.

Boots, jacket… Alec looked up and found their owner curled up on the couch. He padded over to the sofa quietly. Jace was still in the same clothes he wore yesterday, and considering the dampness of the jacket, Alec figured that Jace had fallen asleep in his wet clothes, which would explain the feverish flush dusted across his cheeks. Alec brushed Jace’s blonde bangs aside, his fingertips glancing over slightly warmed skin. The brief contact elicited a soft sigh from his slumbering partner, and Alec smiled softly at how innocent and beautiful Jace looked like this. He let his fingers play with the stringy golden strands, watching him sleep.

Mismatched eyes eventually opened and peered through his eyelashes up at his parabatai.

Alec smiled gently, his fingers still combing through his hair in a soothing gesture. “Hey there. What do you say we get you out of those clothes…” he paused dramatically, “…and get you into your pajamas.” He almost laughed as he watched Jace’s face very plainly play out each emotion as it came: confusion, surprise, and then humorlessly waiting for an explanation. “I think you have a fever,” he continued, softer and more seriously. “As soon as Magnus is up, I’ll have him whip something up for you. You’ll feel good as new. But until then, rest.”

Jace blinked three times then moved to sit up. He took a deep breath and brought a hand to touch his forehead before sagging back into the sofa.

Alec rolled his eyes. “I will throw you over my shoulder,” he threatened before grabbing his hands and hoisting him to his feet. “You need to change.” He started to lead him back to their bedroom when the hand he held was pulled roughly out of his. Alec whipped around in surprise to find Jace standing still as a statue, his eyes downcast.

“I’m not helpless; I can get to the bedroom on my own.”

The biting words stung, but not as much as Jace pushing past him without looking back once. Alec couldn’t move for a second, feeling like the air had been stolen from his lungs. Panic – yes, that was the feeling trying to overtake him, the same cold panic every time something smacked him in the face that screamed _this isn’t working out_. Jace disappeared into the bedroom, and Alec finally managed to get his feet working to follow. By the time he reached the doorway, Jace stood in a pair of light blue pajama pants as he pulled a white t-shirt over his head, his old clothes a heap on the floor. He turned to leave the room.

Alec must’ve looked puzzled, because Jace paused by his side to whisper, “I don’t want to wake Magnus until he’s ready. You know how he gets.” Jace actually looked guilty and considerate, standing there with pink cheeks and shining eyes, and Alec couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Yeah, the last thing we need is to unleash to fury of Magnus Bane,” he quipped quietly.

Jace’s mouth split into a grin. “Our lovable diva.” He glanced back over his shoulder toward their third lover to make sure they weren’t disturbing him.

Magnus continued to sleep, unaware.

When Jace turned back to him, heterochromatic eyes shined with mirth and love. For a moment, Alec was reminded of the old Jace – the one that had been around at the start of their three-way relationship – and how much he missed him. As if aware of what Alec was thinking, the light dimmed from Jace’s eyes as he abruptly broke eye contact. “I’m gonna go lay down in the guest room.”

The guest room. The room Jace had originally started out in when he had just been a temporary roommate of Magnus Bane. A room Jace hadn’t even stepped in (as far as Alec knew) since he had agreed to be with them. Alec gave a tentative nod. “Okay…” He reached out to cup Jace’s cheek, wanting to press a kiss to his forehead, but Jace dodged his hand quickly.

Alec stared, his hand frozen in midair.

Jace kept his eyes trained on the floor. “I don’t want to get you sick.” His hands were balled into fists at his sides as if he were fighting with someone, but who, Alec didn’t know. He wished he did. Jace stepped around him and quickly disappeared down the hall.

“I’ll let you know when Magnus is up with the potion.” His voice echoed dully into the empty room, his eyes still focused on where Jace had been standing only moments before. All he could see in front of him now was a sleeping Magnus. He heard a door click shut from somewhere in the apartment, but he couldn’t quite get himself to move until quite some time later.

x X x

Magnus emerged from the bathroom, blue tips in his hair and blue sparkly eye shadow on his face to match. He looked damn good, if he did say so, thank you very much. And he was feeling pretty good too until he entered the kitchen and immediately felt his good mood start to deflate. Alec sat at the kitchen table, eyes focused on his hands, his jaw tense with thought. Usually that posture meant one thing: it was going to be one of _those_ days. He sighed, closing the distance between them, and pressed a kiss to Alec’s cheek before taking a seat next to him. “Morning.”

Alec blinked before he slowly started to smile as well. “Two minutes later, and you would’ve had to have said ‘Good Afternoon’ instead.”

“Yes, well, I have impeccable timing,” Magnus said, waving off the small technicality. Alec was teasing him; maybe today wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe he was just brooding over Shadowhunter stuff. Magnus knew how to get his mind off of that quite easily. “Any plans for today?”

Alec’s smile all but disappeared off his face. His eyes lowered once more to his hands. “Jace is sick.”

Magnus stared. “Oh.”

Alec continued, “He got caught in the rain last night, and he never changed out of his wet clothes before he passed out on the couch.” Alec rubbed at his eyes tiredly. “I was hoping you’d be able to whip up… something…”

Several beats of silence passed before Magnus managed to say, “I see.” He wanted to say so much more, but he knew Alec wouldn’t appreciate half of the thoughts whirling around in his mind. Namely thinking about how stupid Jace been lately, so why should he be surprised that he’d be idiotic enough to go and get himself sick too? It’s not like he didn’t deserve it. Though as soon as Magnus thought that, he regretted it. He wanted penance from Jace for his actions for sure, but he wanted it given with Jace on his knees, begging for forgiveness, not by the universe doling out punishments.

But the fact that he had even a passing hope for Jace to suffer was probably not a good sign. This whole Jace situation was starting to get to him, and why shouldn’t it? One day it was, “I love you! Let’s stay together forever!” Now it was, “Get the hell away from me, don’t touch me, don’t look at me; I don’t know you, and I don’t want to know you.”

He didn’t need this. _Alec_ – sweet, innocent, vulnerable Alexander, who had spent most of adolescence pining after this fucking idiot who had somehow managed to weasel his way into Magnus’s heart as well – didn’t need this. And now Mr Fucking Idiot had gotten himself sick, reigniting Alec’s favorite pastime: worrying about his parabatai. When they had asked Jace to be with them, Magnus hadn’t expected this. It was supposed to make things better, finding their missing puzzle piece, not make them all miserable.

He forced a tense smile. “No need to look so worried, Alexander. I’ll make the potion, and Jonathan will be back to being his usual annoying self in no time. The worry lines aren’t worth it, dear.” He gently touched the side of Alec’s face.

Alec looked up, not at all amused by his words. “I can’t help it,” he grounded out, eyes narrowed in frustration – not toward Magnus but just toward the whole damn situation. “I know Jace, Magnus. I can feel him in here.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “He’s hurting, and I don’t know why. Something is wrong, and I don’t understand why he isn’t _telling us_.” He took in a sharp intake of breath, and when he next spoke, it was barely more than a whisper. “He pulled away from me today… wouldn’t even let me near him…”

Magnus saw red. That was the last straw. He stood up so rapidly, his chair was thrown back, wooden legs clattering on the tiled floor as he stood. His arm swept out across the table, fiery red magic whipping across the surface unrestrained, sending Alec’s cold coffee cup flying and shattering against the opposite wall. Alec flinched. Magnus began to pace.

“We can’t keep doing this, Alec,” he said at length. “You don’t deserve it, and frankly, neither do I.”

“I know.”

Alec’s voice sounded so tired, defeated, on the edge of heartbreak. Magnus hated hearing that waver in those two simple words. It made him not want to give up for Alec’s sake. If they could just get Jace to talk to them… but it wasn’t like they hadn’t tried. Jace just seemed to be able to read them so easily; he always knew when “the talk” was coming, giving him ample opportunity to escape before they could corner him.

A sudden realization dawned on him. “Alexander… I believe fate may have just provided us with an opportunity.”

Alec stared up at him confused.

“If Jonathan is as sick as you say he is, then it seems to me that he is at our mercy.” Magnus watched as the words slowly sunk in, and Alec’s eyes widened a fraction. “I believe this will prove to be the perfect chance for us to finally get some answers. Let’s see him try to escape this time.”

x X x

Jace woke feeling far worse than he did before. He winced with every movement as he craned his neck to look out the window. The sun sat high in the sky, right at the tipping point making it about noon. He’d only been asleep for three hours. He sucked in a stubborn breath through his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. He pressed a hand to his pounding forehead and mildly registered that the way his skin was giving off heat like a radiator was probably not a good thing. He found he didn’t really much care and just kicked the blankets off. Chills ran up his spine, and he whimpered as he hastily huddled beneath them again.

“Fuck,” he whispered.

He felt completely helpless. And lonely. He wished Alec or Magnus or even Izzy were here to run their fingers through his hair and tell him everything was going to be alright. He knew Alec and Magnus were right down the hall (assuming Magnus didn’t have clients), but he couldn’t… call for them… but, by the angel, he wanted to. He rolled onto his side and pulled a pillow into his arms. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend it was one of his lovers in his arms, cuddled up against him, bringing him comfort. Hell, he was so loopy with the fever, he could almost feel their arms holding him back.

His body relaxed with the image, and he started to drift back to sleep when the sound of broken glass startled him back awake with a wince. Someone could have just been clumsy, or it could have been an unhappy client – but Jace knew the truth. Magnus. Upset about him. Jace buried his face deeper into his pillow.

Maybe Magnus was finally fed up and was going to storm in here to tell him it was over. Jace wasn’t sure if the idea terrified him, or if it was what he wanted to happen – at least then he would be released from the ever-repeating question of _when will they leave me?_ The answer would be now, here, today. And maybe then Alec and Magnus could finally be happy – without him. Jace’s entire body trembled, and he held the pillow tighter.

Jace didn’t ask for Aldertree to assign him to a different shift away from Alec, didn’t ask to be Valentine’s experiment or injected with angel blood, for him to end up the living destruction of the Downworld, to literally be Magnus’s ticking time bomb even as he slept mere feet away. He didn’t ask to end up so alone when surrounded by two men who loved him so much. He didn’t ask for everything to get so out of control, and he didn’t mean to pull away as much as he did. But the distance made it so plain to see: they were better off without him. He just got in the way.

_“Hey, what are you doing?” Alec asked as he peered over Magnus’s shoulder._

_Magnus continued to stir in the potion ingredients carefully as he replied, “Mixing a drought for a client. What are you doing home so early?”_

_Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Izzy’s covering for me. She knows I haven’t been home while the sun was up in a while.”_

_Magnus smiled, tossing in a few strands of hair (vampire maybe?) as he tilted his head to the side to give Alec better access to his neck. “That’s one good sister you’ve got there. Maybe we should keep her.”_

_“Maybe we should.”_

_Alec leapt over the back of the sofa and was half in Magnus’s lap a moment later, kissing the other soundly on the lips. Magnus’s eyes slid shut as he brought his hands up and around Alec’s back, pulling him closer._

_“Where’s Jace?” Alec asked, a minute later, a little breathless from the kissing._

_Magnus grunted as he pushed Alec onto his back so that he could climb on top instead. He pulled Alec’s shirt from his pants. “Asleep, I think,” Magnus said, unzipping Alec’s pants. “He got in about six this morning. We should probably let him sleep – besides, my sweet Alexander, I haven’t had you to myself in a while. I think it’s about time we’ve rectified that.”_

_Alec’s breath hitched when Magnus’s hand snaked into his boxers and made him moan low in his throat._

_Jace watched them silently and uncertainly a few steps down the hall. He turned around a few minutes later and quietly returned to the bedroom._

That wasn’t the first nor was it the last time he’d caught them like that, being so okay with leaving him out and that was if they mentioned him at all. Compounded with their shared knowing glances and how they would tag-team against him, he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it was that he was doing. He was entrenching on Alec’s territory. Magnus had never been interested in him, not at first, not the way he’d been instantly attracted to Alec. He’d just waltzed in with his usual disgusting attitude of not wanting to share Alec and had somehow ended up… here.

Before he came along, Alec and Magnus were the model couple. Sure, they’d had a rocky start, but they’d moved past it, rarely fighting at all, and when they did, they were always open and honest with each other, discussing their problems like adults. Then there was Jace, drowning so often in the confusion of his life that he didn’t understand how he was still breathing. Why should he have expected them, why _would_ they go through so much trouble to protect him, to make him happy? He wasn’t their responsibility; he didn’t understand why someone would go to the lengths Alec and Magnus had gone already.

He strained his hearing and could make out their voices, but he couldn’t tell what they were saying. He was glad for that. If they were going to break his heart, he’d rather not know it beforehand. He couldn’t handle that rejection, no matter how much he deserved it… for everything he’d already done. He just wanted to not be here at all, to just fade from existence. That would be the easiest.

That wasn’t a choice, though. Leaving was, and maybe he should. It would save them the trouble of having to do it, and he’d already put them through so much already. That would be better, wouldn’t it…? The small voice in the back of his head screamed against the idea, but how could he trust that voice? He sure as hell couldn’t trust himself. Valentine was right all along…

Jace felt his throat tighten, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Tears leaked out the creases and ran silently down his face and soaked into the pillow in his grasp.

His temperature gradually rose as he fell into a fitful sleep.


End file.
